Beyblade burst: Titan (character contest) - Printable Version +- World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. (https://worldbeyblade.org) +-- Forum: World Beyblade Organization (https://worldbeyblade.org/Forum-World-Beyblade-Organization) +--- Forum: Beyblade Communities (https://worldbeyblade.org/Forum-Beyblade-Communities) +--- Thread: Beyblade burst: Titan (character contest) (/Thread-Beyblade-burst-Titan-character-contest) |
Beyblade burst: Titan (character contest) - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Here is my fan fic I will post chapter when ever I like so I guess I will post chapter 1 right now Jayden: I have always dreamed of becoming a legend hi I’m Jayden I want to become a legendary blader Damian: yeah yeah battle me Jayden: *mind* oh yeah this man is my best friend Damian eh but I gotta do what I gotta do All: 3 2 1 LET IT RIP Jayden: JUSTICE Damian: DRAKO (drako hits justice with a powerful attack) Jayden: NO *Justice burst Damian: man you need to work more Jayden: yeah right I need a stronger bond Oh and can some one change this to the creation forum RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - sushiroll1234 - May. 14, 2021 this should be in the "your creations" fourm- RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Yeah I know idiot mistake RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 14, 2021 (May. 14, 2021 1:02 AM)JJustice Wrote: Here is my fan fic I will post chapter when ever I like so I guess I will post chapter 1 right now Kinda feel like this is a bit rushed slow down a bit if you want a good example of how to structure a good fanfic look at other people's fan fic RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Ok I have been reading your fan fic love it and next chapter will be longer Ok chapters list and some of the characters Chapter 1 = bond Chapter 2=Let’s Go all out Chapter 3 = special training Chapter 4 = enter royal falcon Chapter 5 = darkness unleash And more now here is some info on the characters Name Jayden Uzi Beyblade: Jinx Justice Jinx justice is an attack type with 4 blades is has a specific tip that allows it to go slight taller than is opponent’s bey Special moves: Jinx blast Jinx blade and lastly 4 hours ( yes that’s one of his moves) Name: Damian Hoshi Bey: Titan drako Moves: Titan whip Titan blast and Titan sword Drako is a balance type between attack and defense it has a tip that makes it slightly shorter then its opponent’s bey so it focuses on burst the bey from its tip RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 14, 2021 (May. 14, 2021 1:12 AM)JJustice Wrote: Ok I have been reading your fan fic love it and next chapter will be longer Wait you read my fanfic? RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Trent myoga Bey: Titan Tractor Trent has a dark connection with his bey and force it by his will and does not know what having a bond with your bey Moves: dark flare Titan dark and many more he likes to say for “worthy” opponent’s Yes I love you fan fic when it first came I thought it was great RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 14, 2021 Aw thanks man RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Np your on my top 3 favorite fan fic writers RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 14, 2021 (May. 14, 2021 2:08 AM)JJustice Wrote: Np your on my top 3 favorite fan fic writers I am posting my next chapter right now RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Since I’m board to death here is chapter 2 hope you like it Jayden: *snores* Mom: JAYDEN WAKE UP *hits frying pan with another frying pan Jayden: chill I’m up Mom: go change and eat breakfast I gotta head to work Jayden: KK (After changing) Damian: *knocks* Jayden: *opens door Damian: hey Jay today have you heard the latest bey news Jayden: nah what about it Damian: can’t believe I’m friends with you any way the WBO is setting up a tournament all across the world you going Jayden: you bet I am wanna train Damian: you bet I do I did not just spend my whole life being friends with you to be lazy NOW LETS BATTlE Jayden: man the hursts I can’t tell if that’s an insult but okay All: 321 LET IT Jayden: *does backflip* All: RIP Jayden: JUSTICE now JINX BLAST Damian: *mind* wooo he’s getting stronger and the fact that he is getting a grip *smiles* NOW DRAKO TITAN WHIP (Both beys clash into each other) Jayden: JINX WHIP Damian: TITAN VOID (Both beys burst) Damian/Jayden: *gasp* hahahaha good game Jayden: oop better go do some training tommorrow is going to be EPIC Damian: k later see you at school CitrusNinja3 can you change this to you creation forum RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 14, 2021 (May. 14, 2021 2:54 AM)JJustice Wrote: Since I’m board to death here is chapter 2 hope you like it Ok your really improving but try making it a bit longer don't rush just feel like you have all the time in the world but if it gets waaay too long then cut it into to two chapters RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Chapter 3 Jayden: LET IT RIP Mom: Jayden honey time for dinner Jayden: ok I'll be there in a minute. ???: Hello Jayden: WHO ARE YOU NOW DID YOU GET IN MY BACKYARD Trent: I am Trent heard you battling and I had to pop in and destroy you Jayden: hahaha try all you want justice will not be destroyed Trent: so your you I'll for it Jayden: alright *gets out launcher* All: 3 2 1 let it rip (Both beys get sent flying) Damian: *opens backyard door* solo what's happen here Trent: NOW TRAITOR DARK BLAST Jayden: NO JUSTICE *JUSTICE avater appears* Justice: we shall win this Jayden: YES NOW JINX SWORD Damian: this battle is getting intense Trent:.DARK FLARE (Both gets burst) Trent: grrr *leaves* Damian: wow Jayden that was a great battle what's that guy problem Jayden: I don't know... Chapter 4 Damian: that Trent guy really wants to destroy justice. Jayden: .... I wont let him I will find him and make sure he knows what blading is about. (Damian mind): wow Jayden really wants to be the best wait what about me while Jayden is training I have done nothing *gets out launcher*. Jayden: huh *smiles* hey Damian the tournament is coming up i heard a few legends are gonna be there I'm SO HYPED. Damian: LET IT RIP ok calm down huh DRAKO TITAN SUPER SWORD. Jayden: let it rip you think your gonna have fun with out me hah i can't believe we have been friends since birth . Damian: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN I TRAINED BEFORE YOU. Jayden: WELL ITS NOT MY FAULT YOUR SO LAZY. Damian: wait i'm training right now hah GET WRECKED TITAN BLAST. (Jayden mind) woo he has gotten stronger. Trent: LET IT RIP. Jayden: TRENT YOUR THE GUY WHO WANTS TO BREAK JUSTICE. Trent: might as well break both. ?????: stop this Trent. Damian: DELTA ZAKURO. Trent: Well hello master. Jayden: wait you trained Trent. Delta: yes I did but he schemed behind my back I created a monster Trent: I'm right here Delta: *straight up ignores him* anyway stop this madness Jayden: JUSTICE JINX SWORD Delta: LET IT RIP DEVALOS Delta: forgot to introduce legend devolos (Damian mind) yes we have delta on are side Jayden: SUPREME JINX Delta: Legend smah (Trent mind) i will destroy them all RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 14, 2021 Still on your way to doing better Make it more clear what's happening RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Thank you strike i try and make it more clear RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 14, 2021 (May. 14, 2021 3:45 PM)JJustice Wrote: Thank you strike i try and make it more clear No problem buddy just wanna help you and your fanfic be awesome [fan fiction] Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 Jayden uzi has black brown scin and he is wearing what my pfp is wearing with red eyes Damian hoshi has black hair white skin wears a good vibe sweater that is golden and always where jeans and has blue eyes Trent myong https://www.google.com/search?q=evil+guy+with+a+coat&rlz=1CAUHHJ_enUS953&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=1gDQZrVTIoOQtM%252CQaJwZMfrjsN57M%252C_&vet=1&usg=AI4_-kSlQVQ9PSJYqyWuIMir3lchKwwuLA&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiey4jzvcnwAhXJB50JHef7AFsQ9QF6BAgNEAE&safe=active&ssui=on#imgrc=1gDQZrVTIoOQtM https://avachara.com/avatar/snapshot.php thats what damian looks like RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - USN - May. 14, 2021 Try to add more story development. There has been little to none until the most recent chapter. Also, I realize you enjoy strike's fanfic, but the antagonists story should be varied otherwise you are kind of using strike's story. You swapped the names of the evil Blader and changed their master, but that's it. They even have the same goal. RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 i give a back ground report on the charectors oh and im reading beyblade burst bond RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - USN - May. 14, 2021 (May. 14, 2021 4:52 PM)JJustice Wrote: i give a back ground report on the charectors I know your new so when you are replying to a comment there is a curving arrow at the bottom of there post, and that person will get an alert on there feed. Also, Thanks! RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 14, 2021 (May. 14, 2021 4:54 PM)USN Wrote:yeah no problem(May. 14, 2021 4:52 PM)JJustice Wrote: i give a back ground report on the charectors ill go ahead and tell ylu guys the legends returning Dante/drum delta silas/sisco Lui and xander and the myth the legend the man that rantaro kiyama hates WAKIYA MURASAKI alright here is your chapter 5 get comfy Delta: DEVOLOS LEGEND WHIP (devolos sends a powerful attack at all of the beys) Damian: Hang in there TITAN SWORD Jayden: YOU HAVE BEEN JINXED Damian: seriously Trent: TRAITOR YOUR UNDER MY COMMAND (Jayden mind) he is forcing a bond with his bey delta: stop this Trent this is not the way we blade Trent: *picks up bey* what ever ill destroy you at the tournament anyway Damian: *gulps* delta: I must take my leave and prepare for the tournament Damian: we understand (delta leaves) Mom: JAYDEN KUZO UZI YOU MISSED DINNER *gets out two frying pans* Damian/Jayden: RUN (after my mom spanked me and scolded Damian) Jayden: *changes and heads to bed* Jayden: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz (in the morning) Jayden: hey mom Mom: DONT HEY MOM ME YOU SKIPPED DINNER Jayden: not this again welp hope you like it RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 15, 2021 Chapter 5 darkness unleash Jayden: mom has been on my back all day Jayden: *heads to backyard* Jayden: LET IT RIP JAYDEN: JUSTICE ATTACK Damian: hey buddy Jayden: how did you get it Damian: your mom let me in Jayden: Alright wanna train these days everything about you is just plain Damian: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN I AM THE ONE AND ONLY DAMIAN Jayden: WELL YOUR SO UNORGANIZED I MEAN LOOK AT YOU YOUR WERE GOOD VIBES THATS SO LAST YEAR Damian: ... GOOD VIBES ARE STILL ALIVE YOU KNOW WHAT LETS BATTLE I WILL PROVE TO YOU THAT ITS STILL ALIVE I MEAN YOUR A SWEATING BOY Jayden: FINE I WILL BATTLE YOU AND TAKE THAT BACK Damian: NAH I HAVE TO MUCH PRIDE LET IT RIP Damian: DRAKO TITAN WHIP (Jayden mind ): I forgot I launched i'm loosing stamina real fast Jayden: JINX SWORD to be contined Chapter 5 part 2 ???: RIP Damian: WHO ARE YOU WAIT YOU LOOK LIKE TRENT Brent: I AM BRENT AND I WILL DESTROY YOU FOR I HAVE DARK FLARE Jayden: dude no need to yell and are beys will NOT be destroyed (Brent enter dark titan mode) Brent: DESTROY ( Drako starts cracking)) Jayden: JUSTICE ( Justice stops unknow bey from breaking drako) Damian: THANKS JAYDEN *picks up drako* WIN IT FOR US TO BE CONTINED RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 15, 2021 Plot 2/5 I feel like there is no growth in the story (no offense) and it is not really focusing on anything. Grammar 3/5 I can only see little grammar problems. Story 2/5 You on a good start but it is way too short. Characters 2/5 I don't really see any character growth in my eyes and it seems like they are kinda like dolls that you control I feel like they need more life. Dioluge 1/5 feels like it is rushed and it is just about battling not really about getting stronger and learning how to become a really good blader. 10/25 you on your way just try not rushing and adding a bit more (I did not mean any offense with these ratings just trying to help you get better. also, I used CheetoBlader's ranking system). RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - LegendJustice - May. 15, 2021 Strikegamerv6 how do you like this chapter? RE: Beyblade burst: Titan - UnseenBurst - May. 15, 2021 (May. 15, 2021 8:21 PM)JJustice Wrote: Strikegamerv6 how do you like this chapter? Could be better but still really good your on ur way!! (Btw you can call me Strike when your not pinging me) |